Monday, April 28, 2008

Mouse Alert!

FTZ - 29 Apr
A mouse thief on the run! A mouse has been hijacked from an MNC. The owner, JL found the mouse missing when she came to work this morning. It is believed that the mouse could have been taken away by any passers-by. JL claimed she has already put a spell on the mouse since the day she held the little poor thing. Whoever the mouse ended up with other than the owner, his/her pc will CRASH within the day. However, JL indicated that she is willing to undo the spell if the mouse is returned to her within 24 hours.

Meanwhile, she would also like to appeal to the public to DONATE generously in order for her to upgrade the mouse and its accessories like the mouse pad, the hardware that it is connected to (aka the notebook), the charger, the docking station and/or the carry bag. She can be reached at Only genuine donors will be shortlisted. Have a heart, people!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Don't Drink and Drive

Who came up with this phrase? I don't think it conveys the message that it has been intended to very well. If it is meant to advise us not to drive under the influence of alcohol, shouldn't the word "drunk" be used instead of "drink"?

One regular drinker commented, "I don't drink and drive. It's dangerous to do other things when driving. I drink......then only I drive."

So, maybe "Don't drive if drunk"? Then you may say that you had a few drinks but you are not drunk. In that case, you should be pretty good in walking heels to toes in a straight line. BUT you should definitely be damn good in blow job to pass the machine.

Whatever it is, DRIVE SAFELY. At times, DEATH is a better alternative than living in eternal agony for your family, your victim or your victim's family and especially for yourself.

If only you knew...but you did know.

Friday, April 25, 2008

How to an "A" for your test?

My husband asked my students and teachers, "Do you know how to get an "A" for your test?"

Looking at the puzzling faces of my innocent friends, he announced, "Don't attend the test. Then you will get an "A" for absent."

"Do you know how to get a "D" then?" He continued.

Looking at their eager faces, he announced, "Get all questions correct. Then you will get a "D" for distinction."

Die. My reputation gone.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Opportunity never knocks twice

Why the sentence ended this way? Why not these:

Opportunity never knocks twice but it knocks 3, 4 times.

Opportunity never knocks twice but better ones do.

Opportunity never knocks twice. It will barge in instead.

Opportunity never knocks twice. So, here is how the "knock knock game" is played.
Who is it?
Opportunity who?
I also never say my name twice.

Note: For the record, this phrase has been on my mind since last night when I had to choose between 3 full time work and the existing part time low class work. The conclusion is I hope better part time ones do come knocking later.

Tricky questions my husband avoided

W - Wife, H - Hubby

W : Am I the prettiest one compred to the many ex-girlfriends you had?
H : Yes, you are the prettiest one.
W: And how many girlfriend you had before me?

H : No, you are not the prettiest one.
W : No, what do you mean no! Huh! *(^&&*$%@##@

W : If I die 1st, would you marry another?
H : Yes.
W: What! How are dare you?! How long have you been thinking about marrying another one?

H : No. I will die 1st with all your questions.
W : ^%#^%$#!@!

W : If both your mother and I fall into the sea at the same time, who would you rescue 1st?
H : I will rescue both of you together. (Thinking..... then I will jump instead)

My husband's answer to all the above questions, "I am not going to fall into your traps!"
My thought, "Heh! We will see about that!"

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Stand up Comedian

What do you call a stand up comedian whose friends did not turn up for his 1st show?

A stood up comedian.

Presidential Humorous Rescue

Part of an article read about the humourous side of President Reaganand the First Lady. They were at a function. As they were ushered to their seats, everyone was clapping and cheering. Suddenly, the First Lady missed her chair and dropped to the ground. Time stood still. Everyone was stunned. No one knew how to react.

Burst out laughing? Who dared?

Her dear husband helped her up. After that, he told her in front of the audience, "My dear, I thought we have agreed earlier that you are only to do that if no one claps after my speech."

Only then did everyone laugh or dare to laugh.

Volcanic Scam

I heard there are a few people selling stones extracted from the valcanos. The stones costs about RM 500 per piece. It is claimed that these stones can cure many sicknesses. One of the salesmen met his match when he tried to sell it to a friend of mine, Ah Pek.

The salesman told Ah Pek that the stone can cure many deceases and many people had bought it. Ah Pek quickly took out his hand phone and started dialling. The salesman asked him who he was calling. Ah Pek told him that he was calling his son. The salesman asked why. Ah Pek said he wanted to tell his son to quit medical school then and start selling the stone.

As far as I know, Ah Pek's son is in a private college studying accountancy.

Equation of Cultural Shock

When a Malaysian sees an American having Coke for breakfast


When an American sees a Malaysian having "nasi lemak" for breakfast.

Love at 1st sight, Suicidal at the 2nd

Love at 1st sight : the chemistry within when he met her alone in a bar.

Suicidal at the 2nd : the intention to kill himself when he discovered that she was actually a "he" the next morning.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Mending your father

One of my Std 4 students made this sentence last week after a drill on "gerund". He was supposed to match the gerunds given to the sentences.

I remembered mending your father last year.


Dress to KILL

People dress to KILL in many ways:

1) Dress to KILL you for some free drinks/meals
2) Dress to KILL you instead of concentrating on her dept's way above budget expenditure or dropping sales
3) Dress to KILL you for a promotion or raise
4) Dress to KILL your interest to know her better
5) Dress to KILL you eventually with the marriage certificate

Monday, April 21, 2008

Various swimming style defined

Free style : any style that the beginner uses.

Breast stroke : the style used by those who swim in the middle of the night. This usually involves more than 1 person.

Dolphin style : a sea version of the butterfly style.

Butterfly style : a land version of the dolphin style.

Moth style : an ugly version of the butterfly style. I created the name since I swim like that.

Chimming : a new vocabulary adapted from swimming and Hokkien "Chim" which means soak. It means only soaking in the water without any sign/indication of doing any actual swimming.

Kung Fu in the Ladies Room

I don't like the sitting public toilet bowl. I only like to sit at home. Outside, I like to squat. Unfortunately, most public toilets have the sitting ones except those on highways. It's puzzling why the sitting ones are preferred to the squating ones. Is it more expansive to install the squating one? Is the squating one messier? Don't they realize that we are scared of the possibility of life threatening germs jumping hosts?

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that we ladies always have to practise Kung Fu when confronted with the bowl. Half squating while ensuring our clothes do not touch the bowl and also trying not to spill over are not easy tasks, ok?! These need years and years of practice. Some mastered it, a lot didn't. To those who did, BRAVO! To those who have not, wipe your FALLOUTS!

Some also practise another style of Kung Fu, standing ON the toilet seat. To those, I hope one day, both your legs will fall into the bowl.

Anyone have had to do a biggie in one of those dirty sitting toilet bowl? That was a real BIG challenge!

Note: It is neither in nor chic nor cool to sit on a toilet bowl while eating from a toilet bowl. If you really want to know which restaurant has this concept, let me know.

Update: To Edwina who thinks that the bowl is better coz less chance of one's shoes getting wet,
next time, don't wait until your bladder is about to burst.
Well, most of the time the squating ones are wet and you don't know if those are water or wee-ter. Sigh...

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Metempsychosis or Reincarnation

Recently reminded of this phrase in one of the Hong Kong series, "赶住去投胎啊?" (pronounced as "kon chue hoeh tou toi ah")

We, highly educated people, should speak in a more refined language, "rushing to be reincarnated ah?"or "rushing to go through metempsychosis ah?"

So, the next time someone honks at you, you should shout, "rushing to be reincarnated ah?"
So, the next time someone cuts queue, you should shout, "rushing to go through metempsychosis ah?"

Disclaimer : That is provided you know how to pronounce "METEMPSYCHOSIS" or "Reincarnated". If not, I suggest you to go back to ""赶住去投胎啊?" since the number of pronunciation key are the same, 5, without the 啊.

Reality vs Fantasy

The reality on Monday

The thought of Monday

If only I knew, I would have...

If only I knew, I would have kept an eye on him in the pool.
If only I knew, I would have stopped him from playing by the roadside.
If only I knew, I would have peeked at with whom she had been chatting in the net.
If only I knew, I would have walked him to the school.
If only I knew, I would have taught him the danger of drugs.
If only I knew, I would have stopped him from stealing.
If only I knew, I would have stopped him from driving home drunk.
If only I knew, I would have been kinder to him.
If only I knew, I would have held on to my purse tightly.
If only I knew, I would have looked around before I opened the door.
If only I knew, I would have stayed in the car before help arrived.
If only I knew, I would have driven straight to the nearest police station.
If only I knew, I would have asked him to wear a helmet.
If only I knew, I would have poured the cold water in the tub 1st instead of the boiling one.
If only I knew, I would have stayed with the toddler in the bathroom.

If only I knew, I would not have gotten myself into this mess.

I have read about it somewhere but it never occurs to me that it may happen to me one day.

Saturday, April 19, 2008 in the morning

Every morning, I donate a few coins to the vending machine outside. If not. I will feel the effect at 3 p.m. after which nothing (except 2 hours of sleep) can reverse the effect.

HOWEVER, I really don't need the coffee from your mouth.

I have smelt coffee from others' mouth before. Although it is not as bad as a burp after a feast of durian, it is not inviting as well. It is unpleasant when you are talking real business like why our revenue is not looking good this quarter, why our expenses are so high, why Oracle sucks, why you look so buzy these days...etc.

So, please rinse your mouth after coffee and before opening your mouth. Alternatively, use yahoo im, msn messenger, skpye, netmeeting, webmeeting, conference calling, gesturing......anything but opening.

Note: this does not apply to those drinking beer or in a pub. You are probably too high to smell anything except a trail of prefume of a young thing walking by.

Humour, thank God!

Once read, "When God created men and women, He gave a little extra to those with a good sense of humour. " Now I remember what the extra is. It's called the funny bone.

Thank God!

I admire people with a good sense of humour. They have a special place in my heart. That special place is called "THE PLACE FOR PEOPLE WITH A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR".

Friday, April 18, 2008

DURIAN is in town again! BURP!

Had the 1st one of the year 10 minutes ago. Delicious!
Go get one now, people! But I heard the ones on the streets are not nice yet. Don't know have to wait for how long....

Boss vs Bossy

I have been blessed with working with bosses who are not bossy.

I have also been cursed with working with bossy who thinks that he/she is a boss. #$$%F%$%^$&.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Searching for THE ONE

Once heard, "A man and a woman are each born as only half of a whole piece. That is why each of us spend our lives searching for the other half. "

My thought, "If you are lucky, you will find the other piece that matches prefectly. If it's not the right piece, you can :
1. let it go and continue searching, or
2. hold on to the one on hand while continue searching (@$#&*^%*7$$%#$%%$), or
3. hold on to the one on hand and try to mould it with love (tough luck!), or
4. hold on to the one on hand and hope to live in peace with the differences (tough luck!), or
5. hold on to the one on hand and eventually live in hell with the differences (serves you right!)".

Why is it so hard for one to unleash his/her choice that is so obviously wrong in the eyes of his/her friends or relatives? Love is blind? You don't understand him/her as much as I do? You all are just jealous? He/She will change? What will I do without him/her? What if the right one never comes?

I guess some find the prospect of loneliness more unbearable.

Hawker defined

One American consultant 's definition of "hawker" when we told him that we were going to take him out for hawker's food during his 1st trip to Malaysia:

Painter = someone who paints
Hunter = someone who hunts
Hawker = someone who hawks?
Hawker's food = food that is hawked by hawkers?

But then again, looking at the price they are charging now, they ARE hawks hawking on poor innocent hungry helpless preys.

Day Light Robbery!

My ex-boyfriend had to go to the income tax department to endorse a document yesterday. After the endorsement, the officer asked my ex to make a copy of the document because he needed a copy for his record. So, my ex had to go the copier just beside the dept (which is owned by the dept also) and they charged 20 cents per copy. The copy came out with a line. The operator asked my ex, "How?" My ex told her, "My original does not have any line. If the copy comes out with a line, you have to make another copy lah! Furthermore, you are charging 20 cents per copy. This is day light robbery!" So, she reluctantly made another copy. My ex paid only 20 cents lah!

Question from the rakyat :
1) If the officer needs a copy, why can't he make a copy himself?
2) Why are they charging 100% more than outside? Why are they even charging?
3) If you go to any other shop and the copy comes out dirty, they will automatically make another copy for you without extra charges. Do they need to ask how?

Note : ex-boyfriend = hubby

A Doctor vs Adapter

One of our colleagues, James Hsieh, is a Taiwanese staying in US. On his first business trip to India, he was so sick that he had to stay in the business hotel bed. He called the operator for a doctor. Below was the conversation:
J (James)
O (Operator)

J : I need "a dahtergh".
O : Ok, sir. Wait a minute. Sir, our record shows that you have "adaterrrr".
J : No, I have not seen "a dahtergh".
O : But sir, our book shows that you HAVE "adaterrr".
J : I have NOT seen one. Don't you think that I would have known if I have seen one?
O : Ok, ok sir. We will send one right up.

5 minutes later, the bell rang. Struggling to get up under piles of comforter and trying to stay alive, James got up to open the door. There he was. The delivery guy. Standing straight like a pro butler. Holding AN ADAPTER like he was holding diamond in a showroom, "Sir, your "adaterrr"."

We are blessed that James is still alive today.

Old and Dying

How do you know you are getting old?

When you receive less wedding invitations.

How do you know you are dying?

When you find more familiar names in the arbituary.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

How to find Depression

Depression is self-inflicted. Depression doesn't come to you. You go finding it yourself. Find your path to depression. Record every steps you need to be depressed. When you know how you did it to yourself, then you may find its evil twin, happiness.

Steps to depression:
1) Sink yourself in a gloomy environment. It maybe physical like going to a dark corner of a room or imaginary like a dark corner of your heart.

2) Dwell on the incident(s) that makes you feel bad.

3) Settle for the thought that no one , not even yourself, can help you.

4) Repeatedly think that you are not strong to change anything or you are so helpless because nothing can be changed.

To find the evil twin of depression, REVERSE all of the above. For example 1) physically go to a bright place. 2, 3 & 4, I think, are called the state of mind. Create a switch to reverse these states. It may be funny. But mine is just a simple phrase, "Don't think". When my mind starts to wonder off to the dark side, I will chant in my heart "don't think" about 3 times. That is my switch. Once this is on, the whole room in my heart will brighten up until all I can see is plain white space for me to start anew.

Life is good!

I guess Anger is also self-inflicted. Just that I have not found THE SWITCH. Grr.......

Thumbs up, People

When you are nice to the others on the road, how do they show their appreciation?
Most of them will put up their hands like trying to give you a distant high 5 and/or nod their heads in appreciation.

I met one who gave me a thumbs up. At that moment, I felt like a SAINT. That was the best gesture that anyone can receive from a prefect stranger.

So, the next time you want to show your appreciation, THUMBS UP.

If you have never shown any, @#$%^&*(. You think you own the road ah?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Good Looking Ex-Bosses

I bumped into my good looking ex-bosses, Ah Chai and Ah Ken today. Still looking good!

Big Car moving to another track

Today, Ah Hock announced Big Car moving to another track. That is a surprise! She has been with the company for 2.5 years. A petite lady with eagle eyes that can shoot arrows and a mouth that can cut one into slices. Her diamond earrings and ring are as big as my cornea.

Today, she and her cronies are in town for a review. My ex-boss (Monk) asked me to send her his regards. I told him I will try to fly by and make myself noticed. Drop a pen or something. Or maybe wait for her in the loo.

If she doesn't see me, here's what I wanted to tell her.............................

Adios, my Argentinian car. Take care.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Insurance, Unit Trust, Financial Planner

Spare me.

Visit me as a friend but not a potential downline or customer.

Happiness - my definition

Happiness is to be able to love and being loved.

Happiness is having the freedom to choose and decide.


Sunday, April 13, 2008

A visible trace of senses and thoughts

Today, I shall start to leave a visible trace of my senses, thoughts and creations in a virtual world.

Today, I shall have an e-diary recording some bits and pieces of my life.

Let's raise the curtain. Let's start with er.....(blank blank blank)....think think think.....knock knock knock....